I'm not happy right now.
I haven't slept properly in weeks.
And my stomach is trying to vomit. and i dont feel ill. its not a good sign. i hate it. I'm shaky. and feel weak.
And feel like i've just been stamped on.





this is not a good day.


i thought i was okay.... guess not.

I have a funny feeling today. I dont like it. I feel... empty.... but full of water. I need to write so badly. But i just cant seem to find the motivation.... or the inspiration.I feel half asleep... but half awake.
its very strange. I need to start sleeping properly again.

Right well i'm back. A little less achy now so i'll write a bit more :D
erm... things are really good at the moment. Which makes me rather happy. In a sick way i'm glad things have turned out how they have.


but yeah.... i'ma sleep now.
night

sparks x

oweeiee.... to much lifting of weights :( grr
time for bath :D

*yawns* i'm tired..... my eyes bleed from it. Well... maybe just scream then.  I seem to be shattered constantly just recently... its not good :(
Dad comes home saturday :D it makes me happy. :D

Reasons for feeling like a geek right now: I could be... hmm... thinking bout her too much... and admitting that.
Reasons for feeling like a slag right now: Lets just say i dont have enough make up to cover them :| ¬.¬

mmm I'm trying not to make this entry completely about her... but... its hard considering shes on my mind. Grrr... silly gay face JJ.
She might've left her... necklace at mine... n i might be kinda wearin it... cos it smells like her perfume. Mighty fine. :D
dum dum dum. Mine. :D
erm...
yeah....
things are rather gravy. :D erm.... yeah.... lol...

just to let you know like....

Sparks xx

I've had about three hours sleep i got home at half two and i've had pretty much the best weekend ive ever had.
My back is sore... and i ache from sleeping on carpet. But it could be a hell of a lot worse. And besides.... i doubt id trade last night for any other or substitute anyone into the picture. It was a perfect night.... and i dont think i've ever said that before.
Its just.... very good. Things are really good... and i genuinely haven't meant that for a long time. but i do now.

oh deary.... collecting butterflies...

I have serious issues with the world today. So many that i've lost count... such a gay day. *camp hands*
not impressed. But for the first time in weeks i've eatten so much i'm comfortabally full. Which is soo fabulous... because i dont feel like i've got a bottomless pit i cant fill now.
I''m a little fucked off too actually. ten days. Isn't a month. It isn't even. Two weeks. For fucks sake shes the last damn person i wanna think about right now.
My dad is in austria and i hate it i miss him like hell. My mother is slowly driving me up the wall. I'm not happy at all... I'm soo tired. I cant remember the last time i slept properly. *wails* agahrh i why do i bother.
My plans for tomorrow have gone out the window... and chances are i'll be shattered after college so i'll get a decent night in before kayla's party... which will be a night and a half i bet. The crazy gays.... chloe.. me ... JJ... lots of vodka... could be a good combo. :D

anywho. i'm off to have a shower n get in my pjs.

Sparks xx

Its getting to that point... when i'm not sleeping properly again.
I've been out nearly every day this week and i'm knackered. Kayla is hosting a gathering on saturday and i really cant wait cos JJ is coming and it'll be the first time i've seen her in... over a week and a half. Shes rather groovy :)
im glad i haven't spoken to aymie in so long. Because i know that if i did, id really rip the shit. Or i would have at least. I dont really give a damn what she says now. Come July i'm just going to be civil. She wants to keep me as a friend or so she says.
I'm starved...  eesh i need food otherwise i'll shrivel up.
Oh... um... i'm back at college for four weeks. Oh the joy. They've changed the time table too just for these four weeks. So i get three hour lessons. :| Which is a bit much. But i have loonnngg fuck off frees so i can boogie around where i want after lesson lol. Monday i took an adventure up to bham. Which was good fun hehe.
And today.. i just go into college for form. Trippy eh? will be good next week. Might see Jrex more because of my freakaaay timetable.
Tonight im going out with mom i think. Which will be nice because we haven't spent much time together tbh. But yeah... my dads in austria for two weeks which is strange.... because normally hes here... but the house feels so empty when hes not. I miss him :( two weeks will go really quickly though. :D
Mmm i think its time to get ready for college. And eat something, Loki's decided that i'm not eating enough... thats why i've lost weight.... so i've been instructed to stuff my face. lols. More likely a combo of waking up at one in the afternoon, having no food in the house, exercising a lil more and stress. lol. but there we go.

Reet.... i'ma off...


Sparks. xx

Today i am very warm.
Its a horrible sticky sweet. And i really hate it when its like this. I've been roped into cooking tea tonight. But at least its something to do...
I'm not really doing much today... as you've probably guessed...
I met JJ last night... which was really nice. Shes someone i could get on with really really well :).
Emma's decided i'm much stronger and braver than her. Because of the decisions i've made and the attitude i'm taking now. Maybe i'm in a little over my head... or i've bitten off more than i can chew... i think not really... I'd recomend to anyone biting off more than they could chew...
I've posted a lot this week ... but i think... if i write it down... i wont feel like that anymore so as soon as its written its out of my system... and then yeah... i feel a lot better.
I didn't sleep very well last night... not by far. I was sooo damn hot and tossing all night. Had to strip off half way through the night cos i was just sooo warm. Pssh. damn weather.
Mother isn't very happy with me right now... so i'll cook tea... do the washing up maybe clean the house up a bit and then... we'll see how we are.
I've been thinking about my fairytale again and have more pieces to add to it. Its like.... doing a jigsaw. I have a vague idea where its going now anyway. Whether or not I'll get there is another question.
I'm chasing dreams again with no string to hold me to anything really i'm just drifting around again. Which is a good thing... because i'm not isolated on an island but also not surrounded by crowds i cant get away from.
It'll be good to get back to college. I'll have something to do... regardless of how much i hate it at least i'll have a routine again.
It'll be summer soon thank all the stars in heaven.
Hmmm... i think i've changed a bit since study leave started.... well... a little bit maybe.

Sparks x

So here i am again. Writing to you about my little pointless life.
There's a feeling of an obsolete anticlimax hanging in the air today. There's big grey thunder clouds. My window's open and i can almost smell the hum drum warm before the rain. I find it strange how... the weather seems to reflect my mood most of the time.
On levels i feel bitter and pissed off and want to rip holes through walls and scream until near everyone in Europe has heard me. But that isn't who i am. And i think i've lost my temper enough.
Two weeks of my life is nothing. But... i feel so betrayed. I dont want to talk to her because i know if i did id be vile and just a complete arsehole.
She tried to talk to me yesterday and i practically spat in her face. Its a self preservation thing i think. Its what i do, and i've done it before and i'll do it again because thats one of the ways i deal with things.
I'm not gonna be angry forever... because thats not what i do and not how i work. She just needs to stay away from me give me that time to close that door.
Hmm well the suns come out....
My little orchid is starting to grow again... its in pretty bad shape but its lasting... growing new roots and my other one has finished flowering by the look of it... pah. Bloody plants.


Sparks x

we broke up.... which is for the best i think.
i'm not going into it because... well... id rather not waste anymore energy over it. And no.... i'm not ripping holes in my flesh over it. I dont really care... i did.... but not now.
Anyway.
I hung around with val yesturday and we had a long chat about everything and everyone and i realised just how much i had missed her because i hadn't seen her in weeks. Tomorrow i think i might stay in and do some writing... and today i hung around bham with rach for a few hours... which was nice :D.
Friday... i have a dilema because i'm not sure what i'm gonna do cos theres a lot of options... and thursday i think kims comin over.
My new glasses have come and i look like a big geek in them but like them v much. :D but yeah... thats all i can really think about to write... because i feel a lil detached and need to write.

Sparks x

For the past... hour or so i've searched for some words of wisdom from buddha to lighten my mood. Patience rang true as to my answer. Something that... i seem to be either running out of or forgetting about completely.
So. I'm going to stop loosing my temper so easily.... because... it does nobody anything except upset and cause unwanted drama.

And I am going to stop being a fool.

oh and theres a mantra i want tattooed on me now :D its "Om mani padme hum" which... written in tibetten script is rather pretty... and means in english... (literal translation) "hail the jewel in the lotus" it has a lot of meanings and stuff connected to it :D and one of them is 'Whatever you wish will suceed" ^.^  andd its about protection and whatnot.

but yeha. :D i like that.

I've barely slept.
I feel like hell. Its vile. I had a horrible night and really haven't felt that bad in so long.... i knew something was gonna kick off. I knew it. And just one little thing tipped me over the edge. I have never crumbled so hard or so fast. 

its not a good thing.


Sparks x

I feel like i am on the edge of a storm and just waiting to be knocked off my feet.

I woke up feeling awesome.... but through the day that feeling has crumbled away and vanished. A part of me is paranoid and worried.... but the sane part of me, you know the kind... the part of me that is rational. Is telling me to be patient and not to take it to heart. Difficult. Considering.

We've ... well finally maybe.... gotten into a relationship. And that is rather... scary.... a little ... terrifying maybe.... well.... how could i describe it ... hmm its like walking up the stairs in the dark... and reaching the top but thinking there is one more step but in fact your wrong. its that sickening feeling of your foot falling through the air with nothing to support you.

maybe.... its just... being a little vulnerable at last which frightens me...

having a girlfriend 70miles away i guess its enough to make anyone insecure.... or rather.... think to much... my new found flaw is that i worry to much. i guess i cant help it. i'm trying not to say the wrong thing and make a complete idiot out of myself but i feel like that half the time when i try to put anything forward or even try to communicate. Maybe its a self preservation thing? Maybe im just... really rubbish with people.

Maybe its a matter of faith or maybe its just time and i just need to battle it out. Because by all the stars in heaven it would be worth it.

That gut feeling i get is telling me not to give in. Because... that would make me even more of a fool than i already am and i'm not gonna be caught up in that.

She really is just... everything wonderful and i think thats probably why i feel so weak and lost at sea perhaps? Shes amazing and the day is full of empty minutes of wondering what shes doing and how she is and the list just goes on because i just think about her constantly. Its like... i locked myself away and she picked the lock and took a good look at what was inside. Which is horrifying for me on levels... but i doubt id have the balls to tell her that...

balls in my court... just.... i could do with a hand..? maybe... i dont know... its just....difficult... and is a lot to carry around all the time...

So i feel better i guess. yeah...  i do.
Cant burn me for being too full of everything. *taps head* Too much thinking.... too much worrying too :| pah. annoying brain.

hmmm anyway... i really think... that i should go to bed... i have new pillows to snuggle into after all.

I guess i'm having one of those days.
unaccomplished. uninteresting. empty. I suddenly feel... rather unhappy. Its scary... i haven't let myself feel this way... for a long time... well.. okay i lie... maybe... a few weeks... two... maybe three? good run i guess.
It's my horrible flaw... to bottle up things. I feel... rather sad.... and lonely...
I've done barely anything since college finished. My own fault really but i need the alone time. I need to be able to push away all the drama for a little while... just so i can hear the thoughts in my head.... is that selfish to want that? would any of the college lot understand that? i doubt it.
I hate crying. So much. And i hate the feel of dry tears on my skin.

pah...

little else to say.

Its been a while since i've posted. but when is that not the case. I'm a little low today... not really sure why but i am.
I've been up since... 10? 11? some ungodly hour. And i am tired.... and hungry.... and am becoming a little too fascinated with the orange advert thats on the screen. Well... i woke up in a bad mood... but just feel rather.... crap now. kinda... blegh. like i just wanna crawl into a feeble position and eat chocolate for the rest of the week.
The flowers are startin to fall of my orchid.... which probably means... something not so good is going to happen. :( And my little one is still trying to die on me. which isn't good. Damn plants.
I'm starting to feel... a little too much like a spare part...maybe its just because i haven't left the house since... sunday... :/
I'm just one big ball of tired. I tried to write and pretty much failed.... made about a page and a half before i just gave in. what lovely progress for two and a half hours. depressing doesn't come close.
I need to book some tickets. So i need to actually get off my ass and do something productive. easier said than done considering the mood i'm in. Dont get me wrong... i really wanna go its just moving?
Grr... i'm in a stupid mood :( damnit i hate being female. I'll get really emotional later bet you any money.

I seem to be getting... soo... much... spam of... the world today :| its... irritating me?!!! grr leave my damn inbox alone unless your writing me a damn letter of love. pssh... *yawns* bored... need entertainment....
my brain is turning to cheese.... it needs stimulation... :(

I'm sat listening to Alanis Morissette, she's singing, as all good singers do, and she's singing about god. I'm no believer, but I do love this song. “What if god was one of us, just a slob like one of us.” I think that if god really was a stranger on the bus, they would probably be the person that you push past to get off the bus or to get to a seat. Like one of those women with prams that just so happen to stand right on your feet. Or perhaps the drunk whose stumbled on to the bus not knowing where he lives, whose bent, doubled over in his seat asleep.

I don't have to be a believer to find the lyrics beautiful or the meaning and concept of it true. So maybe your sitting alone staring at a wall because you really don't have anything else to do, but maybe you really shouldn't loose faith in yourself.

You sit and complain about how bad your life is and how much you want something but will never get up off your ass and actually do something about it. Because you want to be spoon fed for the rest of your life, if there's someone or something you want then you should go for it regardless of the consequences. Bite off more than you can chew, find yourself with blood on your hands from breaking someone's heart, find yourself in the gutter without two pennies to rub together. Just live. Simple. Plain as.

Live. Live and love like its your last day. Be awake to who you are and people around you, find joy in what ever you believe and in what ever you want. Don't worry, so much of our lives are spent worrying about nothing, its such a waste. So much of our lives are spent fearing the things that could happen and the things that really... aren't that scary if you think about it.

So my message today ladies and gentlemen. Is grow some goddamn balls and be brave, be confident, be who you want to be and most of all, be happy.

Today. hasn't been good. I'm tired, i've got an exam tomorrow. And i really really dont want to be here right now.
So, i've had an argument. but, different to arguments, usually, i dont know what to say. But it spilled right out and i felt myself beginning to loose my temper again.
I guess walking away was the best thing i did today.
God knows whats been said about me behind my back. but i dont want to know. because if theres been bitching and people slagging me off then its there problem not mind and it shows exactly how shallow people have become.
I really really hate college right now and all i dont want to get up in the mornings and i dont want to have to drag myself to that god awful place. because its not good. its not a nice place. and theres no bloody point me being there at all. not anymore.
i have no damn enthusiasm left for college. I dont want to give in and i dont want to know that i'm going to get crap grades but i know i am. And i'm not being stupid and saying that i am when i know i'm going to do well because i really know i'm going to fail. because it just... doesn't click.
its like i'm trying to cut a tree down with a bar of soap. it just wont happen.
I just feel like i'm going backwards like everything that i've come to is nothing.
i've dug myself a very large hole that i cant get out of. and its my own fault. i cant help the way i feel and who i agree with and what i think is morally wrong. Fair enough i could have made better bloody choices but theres just too much thats happened that i dont agree with on one side and just... no. i'm sorry but i couldn't live with myself.
The stupid thing is i've tried to have tolerance and patience for people in this and no one has given me an inch of slack. no one. and its not fair. and i understand that oh "you've changed your mind like the switch of a light" well since when have you been so goddamn perfect.
And i know the same could be said of me. and i know i know i know. for godsake i know. ARGHAGR jesus christ. i'm so chaotic its fucking untrue.
i really really... just want out of this place. i cant stand it anymore. i'm just so goddamn desperate to get away from everything. I want to get drunk out of my skull until i can barely stand and am puking the last of my guts out onto the pavement. argh i just ... i just.. i want and i want and i want and i just cant fucking get anywhere because i'm so goddamn full of shit.
Its just.. all ... fucking pigs and apple blossoms it really fucking is. theres just no fucking point anymore. why do i fucking bother. why seriously?!
Well you can fuck it right off. Because everyone is being as bad as each-fucking-other. And everyone is being bloody pathetic even me and i'm at least friggin ready to admit it.
argh ffs.
Why am i in college? i've asked it soo many bloody times over the last 10 hours just why the hell am i in college?
I just... cant see where i'm going. i'm running through the dark i really am. And all i goddamn want is to someone to just switch the lights on and tell me i dont have to keep fucking running.  I'm so soo soo desperate to cry its unreal. i've wanted to all day but just not let myself.
so it looks like i'm the scape goat again, and i've done this to myself because i just had to try and help didn't i? i just had to do what i could for my fucking friends because i just cant keep my fucking fingers out of plug sockets. well... its not happenin again. people can fuck off if they want my help and they can fuck off if they want my sympathy and a pair of ears to talk to and people can fuck off if they think i'm gonna get emotionally involved.
because no matter what you do you cant find a magical answer, you cant pull it from a hat and go "yes... this is what you need to do".
Well if i haven't learnt anything else i guess i've learnt that no matter how hard you try you just cant always make the right damn choices.
So theres no quick fix to this. i dont even know what to do from here. suppose i'm backed into a corner and i cant do anything....
to fuck with it. seriously to fuck with it.
if i was to drop out and get a job and move far far away it would be simpler.
but theres no quick fix. so we will see where we end up. tread lightly for a while. vanish perhaps. and thank fuck that i'm still standing.
Its horrible... because college is turning into fucking school. And i hate it. i really do.
But i have a choice i could give up. or keep going. and i have never ever wanted to give up more in my life. never.

Its been a while since i last posted.
And this isn't going to be one of those posts where i rage with my emotions or turmoil and complain at how much hate there is in my system or pain because i really have gotten past all of that. I've found the fear that i have for myself dwindle and die and have had a weight lifted off my shoulders like you wouldn't believe. And its soo good to feel like i'm me again and not fighting with myself.
I think the turning point was reading up so much on Buddhism and having so much of it speak to me on levels i thought no one could reach. And my god its amazing. A lot of it makes sense to me like its not the quest for heaven and its no competition and there's no 'us and them' its just 'we' as in... everybody lives together and it doesn't matter who you are or what your bloody background is. Its just be yourself and be happy and don't fear or rage or cause unwanted pain to yourself and everyone else. Its just compassion and living with yourself and finding your own path and that place which is enlightenment.
I've found that thing i was looking for at any rate and i'm a lot better of for it i think, because there's nothing booming like a shotgun in my skull any more its just relaxed and gentle.
My amazing ability to forgive and move on astounds me. I was left dangling on a string until i thought, "wait. i'm having none of this, who is she to leave me hanging around like an idiot."
So i'm floating around again, me, the one man army living the subtle shades of my life and breaking down my levels and walls. I find that the more i let go the higher i get and the more i let go the more i realise i'm not that vulnerable and i can stand up alone and be counted for. I dont need someone to guide me, i need people to be there naturally because without them life would be very dull and empty. Because i love them all very much.
Without my mates i wouldn't be here. Past mates, the present. Naturally some things are more difficult to forgive than others, but for every person that has ever chewed me up and spat me out theres that realisation that without that, i wouldn't be who i am today.
And that. Is something to be thankful for.